The Dictatorship of Lahtistania

Beware of Flying Similes

In English: Hello. This is a diary, or something like that. I use either English or Finnish depending on how I feel. I'm a pessimistic, sarcastic and cynical hermit with trust issues. There are no like-buttons or comment whoring, cookies, sponsors or subscribers. I won't try to sell you anything, either. English isn't my first language so I'll most certainly make mistakes: pointing out an error in my text doesn't make me flip my lid. My contact info can be found on the main page. You can placate me by sending me more funny homophones and other silly mistakes, I collect those.

About times and dates: I'm a Finn, so my time zone is GMT+3, we use the 24-hour system, so 1 PM is 13:00, and date is DD.MM.YYYY (02.01.2022 = January 2nd, 2022). Adjust your mindset accordingly.

Disclaimer: tämä on pessimistis-aggressiivisen naisihmisen verkkopäiväkirja, useimmiten nimeltään Lahtistanian diktaattorin kootut sadatukset. Sen lukemista ei voida suositella edes pääosalle aikuisista ihmisistä. Sisältö ei sovellu lapsille. Sarkasmivaroitus! Täältä ei löydy evästeitä, mainoksia, tykkäyspyyntöjä tai kommenttihuorausta.

01.09.2022 (21:48)

If you were hoping for a crooked smile, you're about to be sorely disappointed.

Someone parked their rear end on these ancient books?

Some people have a voice that can shatter glass, but others do it by the sheer force of their halitosis.

I don't trust him with my life nor the life of anyone I care about, but I'm pretty confident he won't kill this half-dead beetle.

Kun ruokasi saa sukupuolitaudin.

Hello world.

I’m currently recovering from a surgery - I fell ill on Thursday, got sent to hospital on Saturday, surgery on Monday and finally released on Wednesday. I’m sore, but recovering.

Longer version: got a bad stomach ache on Thursday and promptly ignored it. Ignored the pains as they grew worse, then tossed back a few painkillers until I threw up, then ignored everything again until Saturday, when I was so sore and miserable Mikko dropped me off at the ER in Riihimäki before going to help my brother move.

The people in Riihimäki did a cursory inspection, shoved a needle filled with strong painkillers on my shoulder muscle and packed me in a taxi* to Hämeenlinna, a larger hospital. They suspected an infected appendix. They ruled out the appendix soon, and so I was kept waiting for hours on end for tests and had to beg for more painkillers from nurses until one took it seriously- around the time my feet gave away from the pain, and I was given a bed spot. Slept overnight in a hangar bay bed before being transferred to their surgical ward on Sunday after they took more blood tests and noted the infectioon levels kept rising. They didn't allow me food for 26 hours, but managed to certify I had an infected gallbladder so full of stones there was absolutely no space for liquid, a strong infection, and I needed surgery ASAP. After another 25 hours of waiting without anything to drink or eat, they allowed me a small meal, then kept me waiting for a space in their surgery queue.

They finally found me a slot on Monday late in the evening. When they took me down I was as high as a kite on a cocktail of pain meds and sedatives (I had my first Diapam and the nurse told me it knocked the lights right out of me, I was dozing off all the way down to the surgery), so I have very vague memories until I woke up post-op and then again in the ward, both times disoriented, sore and miserable.When I finally got my first glass of water and a sarnie, I’d spent 36 hours without eating or drinking and scared out of my wits.

Mikko visited me several times during my stay, fortunately. I spent most of Tuesday and Wednesday feeling absolutely miserable and today I've been just sore. Settling home now, and there’s so much work to do, but I'm alive and kicking! The surgery wounds ache, I had a cannula in four different places during my stay, they drew enough of my blood to satisfy a small vampire, but anything is better than that infernal pain I had to endure.

Mikko has certainly been zealous in my set quest to "please let people know where I am so nobody blows up my phone”, so everyone on Facebook and my whole family knew. He didn’t update my blog though, which is hardly surprising considering how much work he had to do while I was away. He's a darling, and I wouldn't have survived without him. He's an absolute angel and I owe my life and sanity partially to him as well as the nurses and doctors - and my friend Connie, who nagged at me when I tried to ignore it all. So you can blame all those people for the fact that I'm alive, because it most certainly wasn't thanks to me.

I'm basically on sick leave for the next couple of weeks, but when has that ever prevented me from working when I want to? though I'm afraid I'm not up for any visits (to or fro) for a while. I'm just hoping I'll make it to Mikko's godmother's funeral.

24.08.2022 (20:55) The amount of snot makes the death of you enemies even more embarrassing

I was hoping I'd be able to launch severed heads to terrify my enemies, but apparently I now shoot tiny iron balls out of my nostrils. FML.

...and it's apparently reloaded that way. Good to know.

Prima ballerina flounced on the stage wearing some tattered and smelly skins and bashed her rival's head in with a club.

If you sit on a peer, the peer might, at some point, decide to sit on you in return. I recommend choosing a very light peer. Or just, you know, rest on a pier side by side?

Muodikas "No dig"-menetelmä menetti suosiotaan kun kevyen väärinkäsityksen vuoksi tietyltä kansanosalta poistettiin sukupuolielimet.

We finally have a new fireplace. We now have six of them in the main building (although one doesn't work properly and will need to be repaired at one point), and the stove and water heater in the sauna. If you're looking for a mason / bricklayer, I definitely recommend Muuraus Porttikallio Oy. I'll get photos later, because we're ridiculously busy with some stuff related to my family (oh surprise surprise!) such as my grandfather's and my aunt's things, doing some small stuff for my mother, my brother is moving and we promised to go help with the heavy stuff, and poor Mikko lost his godmother so there's a funeral coming. And we need to visit my mother's cousin and the grave of one of my grand-aunts. And, you know, the usual work with the house and garden. Oh, did I mention we decided to try growing potatoes this year? We’ll definitely do that again. It worked like a charm, because we used raised beds well off the ground instead of the usual “dig a hole on the ground”-method, which was both disappointing and unsuccessful.

How to tell you're dealing with a pair of old geeks:
-Let's do something we both have wanted for ages!
-We can be at it for hours!
-You want it, I want it, we're alone, there's nothing stopping us. Yes, let's!
-Yes! Let's rearrange the bookshelves!

05.08.2022 (22:41) Why politicians are so frequently drunk

Yeah, it's been a while. Busy, you know.

So there's an unfortunate rat, but at least your heart rate is OK.

He thought he had a lump in his throat, but he was just swallowing another electrical appliance.

The kit your aide carries contains a lot more alcohol than a first aid kit.

Erik stole my bloody clothes. I hate you, Erik.

Halloumi voi olla hyvää, mutta tästä juustosta saa hallusinaatioita.

Poor Mikko. I asked him to come and open a jar for me and he jokingly complained that he's a 175 cm can opener. I told him not to sell himself too short: he's more of a multi-purpose tool for me.

Weather's been fantastic. We take a nice walk every evening, spotting bats and constellations and just talking and enjoying ourselves. He coughs badly but keeps telling me that the mild exercise opens up his airways and lungs. He wasn't too impressed when I told him that the same could be said of an axe to the chest.

(It's probably hard to believe how much I love him, despite how we talk to one another. I actually adore him.)

A few days ago I found a way to change my nickname in a Facebook group chat to "Se saatanan hullu apina", in English approximately "That fucking crazy monkey". I'd had three short nights and I was exhausted, so it was hardly surprising that I was laughing hysterically when everything showed that "Seen by That fucking crazy monkey and 5 others". Then I went, "Oh, fuck me pink!", because it turned out I could change anyone's nickname. For a short while we had group member called "Anal Probe" ('Anaalitutkain', and she asked for it, mind you!) and I was also called "Shit-Donkey" ('Paska-aasi') for a while, and it's been a few days and one of the others still has a strange nickname (I can't translate it, but Finns would understand the name "Hapan Korppu").

In a couple of weeks our house will be getting a new barbeque, one that'll fit something we Finns call "muurinpohjapannu". It's basically a huge cast iron pan and though it can be used for many things, the most special purpose is to make a delicacy called "muurinpohjalettu", which is a kind of huge crêpe made outdoors, usually served with jam and whipped cream.

21.07.2022 (09:32) You know the old saying "the early bird catches the worm”? Tell it to feckin’ keep it.

When they pour cement over the graves in a cemetery. That's a decent way to prevent a possible zombie apocalypse.

Apparently he rolled his victim in honey.

He denied access to his teeth. Though I don't think she cared.

Sold something off her back, or sold someone's back? Sold her own back?

Suomalaisen viikonlopun viinapäivää ei estä edes kuolema.

We're trying to trap a couple of raccoon dogs. They're a harmful and invasive species in Finland. Even if we manage to trap one, I won't have the heart to kill it, but fortunately I know a couple of hunters who can do it, and one of them loaned us his mink trap (a cage type, catches them alive and unharmed). So far we've had to change bait, because we managed to trap two magpies - or possibly the same magpie twice - so meat is definitely out as possible bait. They might be cute, but raccoon dogs are a menace to wildlife, especially birds. I just wish the magpies would allow me to remove the menaces and would leave the bloody trap alone, because the owner does need the trap back. You try to find a bait that would lure in a raccoon dog and wouldn't tempt magpies.

Encountered a baby squirrel yesterday. The encounter was quite unexpected. I was tired and bleary (I hate waking up early) and I stormed to the door to see who the heck was knocking on the side door instead of ringing the doorbell by the main door. I rushed out with a proper lecture prepared and found myself face-to-face with a tiny little squirrel less than a metre away: the bloody thing had been exploring my plants and climbing the railings. I stared at the squirrel - quite speechless for a change - and the squirrel stared at me, and then in approximately four seconds I let out an outraged roar and the squirrel fled to the bushes.

I don't hate squirrels, don't get me wrong. They're adorable. I ordered two squirrel nest boxes a few years ago, actually, and hung them from the trees behind the house. Unfortunately the squirrels love our house as much as we do, and this year one of the bloody creatures built a nest under the roof. We waited until the babies left the nest (and spent quite a while listening to their noisy and destructive life) and now we're trying to install a few tin platings to stop it from happening again. I'm hoping they'll nest in a proper squirrel box next year, but trushes have been using those boxes thus far.

Squirrels are ridiculously fearless little buggers, and I suspect we'll have some squabble about my strawberries, since their mother has learned to climb the balcony. They're the ones who've been after my harvest: squirrels eat my tomatoes, cherries, gooseberries, strawberries... They even take down yellow plums. For the first time we managed to get some sweet cherries, by covering the entire young tree wish mesh (the kind which doesn't trap birds, just so you know: if I had to choose between the risk of harming a bird and loosing all my berries, I'd let the birds eat the cherries and go without. Rule doesn't apply to squirrels, mind you).

14.07.2022 (23:51) Beware of carnivorous pines

When cartoons get recycled.

A special hug from a professional contortionist.

Four people were heading indoors, but now we have a hydra.

Don't worry, many people feel bad about their weight, especially around the waistline.

Suomi, nekrofilian luvattu maa.

Greetings from Porvoo, albeit several days late (our visit was on Monday, in a few minutes it'll be Friday but who's counting?). We sampled four scoops of gelato, one portion of ice cream and one sherbet (mandarin sherbet was dreadful, the mint ice cream was OK, the strawberry and hazelnut-caramel gelato were excellent, but raspberry and nutella gelato were completely out of this world), four slices of cake, two slices of pie, went through a chocolate factory store and one chocolatier’s shoppe and came through the other side with two shopping bags full, and three bottles of soda. And because we’re responsible adults and responsible adults cannot live a whole day on sweets and cakes, we also bought a pizza. And then I couldn't move for several hours. But that was fine, because we got new books and I could reach the chocolates, which I'd wisely arranged within arm’s reach.

One of the most useless questions for us is "have you seen [name of movie or series]?" We own a few DVD's (about five metres of shelf space, give or take?) but there's tons of movies we own but we've never actually seen, because if you ask us one thousand times "would you like to watch something or read?", the answer is 999 times "read" and only one time "watch something"(*)

For those who wonder: I'm well aware that my own English is far from perfect. I try to find amusement where I can, and my own mistakes can amuse me for hours on end. It's a toss between which is worse, my pronunciation or my feeble grasp on grammatical rules. Actually, you should know that about a decade ago I was speaking with a friend in America using Skype(2). I was trying to talk about Finland and the amount of coniferous trees we have, but my pronunciation was a little... oh, fine, it was way off, and I told her about Finland's carnivorous trees, much to her amusement. But hey, this is Finland. Can't walk half a klick without fighting a pine or a spruce that tries to eat you alive.

(*) On second thought, that's what Mikko would reply. My response would be to tell you to shut up and shove off because I'm reading.
(2) This was before I removed Skype. The problem with having a phone app is that people actually talk to you.

09.07.2022 (14:52) The dumbbell with dumbbells

(This one was my own mistake, btw.) So, a masseuse was mangling my shoulders and now I have mange.

A loaf of bread wasn't enough.

Better than black and white. Or at least more powerful.

Was going to take a nap, but now your neck is somehow involved.

Omituisinta on se, että tyyppi luuli olevansa Lohjalla.

My right shoulder has been sore for ages, so I had an appointment with a masseur, who mangled my back and shoulders severely(*). Hurt like hell. My muscles weren't stiff, though he predicted they might be, but my skin was sore and I jumped back up when I tried to settle down to sleep(2).

He ordered me to do some exercises with a pair of small dumbbells (about 2 kg), but I didn't have time to buy those, so I tried using a pair of heavy books. Didn't work too well, because I was almost done when I dropped the second volume of The Norton Anthology of English Literature straight down on my face.

Will buy real dumbbells.

My brother's been here more frequently. We’re polar opposites, in appearance as well as mentally, but unlike in our childhood, we mostly get along. It's just that most of the time people have trouble believing we're even actually related: he's a tall, thin and sporty blond guy who loves meeting new people and makes friends easily. We were talking about travels and he asked if we'd ever considered going to the UK. It went like this:
Me: "No, because that country has one particular flaw. It's inhabited by Brits."
Toni: "What's wrong with them?"
Me: "They breathe."
I admit that particular problem is widespread. People don't appreciate good advice enough, because they're already indignant if you tell them to shut their mouths and be quiet. If you tell them to stop breathing too, that won't go over well.

It made both him and Mikko laugh, of course. I'm well aware that living with a pessimistic and misanthropic person can be depressing and sad, which is why I make sure I make Mikko laugh regularly. Besides, when you make people laugh, they don't expect you to stab them in the back.

(*) Oh, fine. It was a standard massage done by a professional physiotherapist, and I'm just being overdramatic. I felt like I'd been run over with a runaway lawnmower. Followed by the lawnmower's owner in a car. Followed by his parents-in-law in a cement truck. They all ran over my back. And returned with the lawnmower.
(2) Settling down to sleep my way involves falling down like a log. Though as far as I know the log doesn't usually bounce back up and curse like a sailor.

02.07.2022 (19:59) The tribals were useful as extras in the next big production

The Phantom of the Opera has destroyed the opera house and you were hoping to get a few million francs to restore it. And now you have two million Germanic tribesmen and still no opera.

My cake melted in the rain and now it's all soggy and bland.

I was supposed to gently stroke his face and then it just turned violent.

Don't try to hire a temporary replacement for fate. It won't end well.

Papyrusruoka on melko kuivaa ja vaatii paljon kastiketta.

It's been painfully hot for over a week, over +30°C (86°F), and I currently sound like a one-woman zombie apocalypse with the physical abilities of an average earthworm(*). Our lawn is starting to look like a jungle (just add a couple of bigger beasts(2) and you're all set) with the overgrown lawn and everything drowning in weeds. We ran out of soft drinks today, and Mikko managed to convince(3) me to go with him to the store with the amazing power of his air-conditioned car (+18°C, bliss, I don't think he'd allow me to live in the backseat for the next few days?) because the entire bloody Africa will freeze over before I walk 2 kilometres to the grocery store and back again in this heat. Anyway, I refused to exit the car and sent him to the store alone. In less than four minutes I'd forgotten why we actually went to the store in the first place, and when he came back and told me, "I got two cherry-flavours and two vanilla," my brain jammed. I first wondered why in the name of hell would anyone create rye bread in vanilla and/or cherry flavour – rye bread is the most common reason why Mikko pops to the store – and why would Mikko buy something like that, let alone several. Then my mind went to ice cream (because, duh!) and I wondered why Mikko would buy four litres of ice cream, especially since he doesn't like cherry ice cream. I wish I hadn't told him that, because does one really need to keep the spouse informed of just how poorly one's brain works, and he laughed so hard he might have crashed his car in the recycling bin anyway.

Anyway, because we’re Finns, we’re going to heat up our sauna soon. To sweat properly. After spending over a week getting uncomfortably overheated. That’s Finnish logic for you.

The exterior paintwork for our house is done. We hired a company called Maalausliike Decora from Riihimäki to do it (we're just too overworked this summer), and they did a better job than we ourselves could have done. They also changed a few weather-ravaged panels from the walls, where rain and time had caused damage. Mikko wants to finish the larger wing's balcony railings next summer and the all five doors will also require a repaint (we might change two of them completely), but I love that fresh coat of paint.

The new sheet metal roof was installed by Alukvik in Ryttylä three years ago, after the previous one had rusted enough to leak. Also excellent work.

(Half of the larger wing is invisible in the photo. It's rather big, really. There's also a secondary building with sauna and storage & hobby space, the second building needs to be repainted next summer)

(*) Come to think of it, burrowing deep underground sounds more and more promising each day.
(2) Mikko doesn't count.
(3) He used bribery. I got a strawberry soft ice out of it. Totally worth it.

23.06.2022 (11:14) Reasons why one should never join a Facebook group

A fate so cruel it'll make you crawl.

Better than melodrama?

Will need dentures after this, but at least she's smiling bravely though the blood.

Sight of relief is when you spot a toilet after a long, long day.

Lisää töitä hammaslääkärille.

Mikko fell asleep after our walk. Being the loving and supportive wife he deserves, I arranged an array of folded socks on top of him as he snored away.

Btw, if you ever need to delete a Facebook group, remember that you can't delete the group unless all the members have either left or have been removed. To get rid of unwanted members, just change the group to "public" and change the name to something like "United abusers of social security benefits", "Support group for people with intestinal parasites" or "Deviant sexual behaviour towards lettuce". People will fight to get out and you'll have a lot less work deleting inactive and lazy members. Just so you know. (This coming from a person who kicked out 1900 members to delete a group this week)

In other news: Plastic Pigeon is feeling very ill. Is this a pigeon hangover?

PS: Glad midsommar. Drunkna inte. ;)

17.06.2022 (20:44) Proclivity for procrastination

Definitely not, but I guess you're defiant enough.

An unexpected trench makes an appearance while you're trying to purchase silverware.

The title for the loudest sports equipment has an unexpected winner.

These stockings look nice and they're practical, but also very painful to remove. On the plus side, you'll never need your epilator again.

Kahdeksan miljoonaa kävijää viihtyi suomalaisessa kesätapahtumassa.

I remember how my mother used to tell me that you know you're getting old when all the professionals look like teenagers. I now have the same feeling: the urge to pat them on the head and offer the electrician a lollipop as he installs wiring, or ask the young man painting the roof if he's changed his diapers before he goes up the ladder.

Received a big parcel of retired Swarovski figurines on Tuesday. My collection now has over 900 Crystal Creations (and easily over 1000 if you count every single separate piece, but it's the wrong way to count).

I've actually been beating records in the honourable field of procrastination just to avoid going outside to mow the lawn and doing some weeding. I don't mind the work that much, but the billion mosquitoes who insist I have too much blood in my veins are less than pleasant. So perhaps we have more weeds among the flowers than we ought to, and perhaps the lawn should be a bit shorter, but on the plus side I've definitely and truly well shopped (online sales began in our regular book stores and on Swarovski's website).

Most people know I like making notes, but few people actually know I have a database of things I’ve read. Not just the books we own, but literally tens of thousands of studies, novels, articles, amateur texts and just plain garbage I wade through for both work and leisure. I add in keywords and -phrases so I can find what I want faster, and make notes so I don’t have to read everything again. The next one wouldn’t make any sense in English, so pardon me: tein muistiinpanoja amatöörinovellista jota luin kirjoitusvirheiden toivossa, ja huomautin sisällöstä näin: “--selvästi teinin kirjoittamaa potaskaa, epärealistinen ja hahmot idiootteja. Taas yksi jälkiruoka-aavikko, pronomiinivirheitä, heikkolaatuista pornoa, oraaliseksiä, kielellisesti heikko--” Jos joku on kielellisesti heikko, onko myös oraaliseksi huonoa?

06.06.2022 (17:52) Reasons why you need a gull or two

Probably worse than a deer. There's a bigger chance of your death if you hit a deer, but you'll get a new car and probably won't be in court for killing a member of your family. Oh, and if you're lucky and live in the right country* you might get to eat the deer? Not something you'd want to try with your aunt Muriel, no matter how big of a cow she is.

Next time you feel the need to mock someone, remember to procure a gull.

Doctor Freud might have had something to say about the urge to sexually assault a building.

This fragile door is now gently wrapped.

I've heard some tough guys can light a match with their stubble.

Here's what we've been working on lately:

It'll need a few more things done. Photo angle from downstairs hallway and up the staircase. That's the wall behind the staircase and the ceiling above it (well, half of it, really: there are three smaller carvings lower, still incomplete). It was a pain in the arse to work with, considering it's 6 metres high and we had to build a custom scaffolding. The pattern is carved wood, not a painting, and is a solid part of the structure, so there's no removing it. The garden also takes some work, and I've had over a week of constant headaches.

*Not Finland. Damn you, Finland!

21.05.2022 (15:10) Blue stubbled elephants, buckets of piss and priorities (OLIVES!)

Does this mean it's 'perhaps-water', or 'maybe-water'? A bucket of cold water sounds more pleasant than a bucket of piss, and less sticky than, say, a bucket of beer or a bucket of Pepsi.

Yes, kill the mad and leave that sane man alive.

Sing heavy, not loud.

When you picked up your mug, you probably didn't expect it to snatch a hold on you.

Tämä on 99,9% varmuudella photoshopattu, mutta jotta kukaan ei syyttäisi meitä hyvästä mausta, laittakaamme tämäkin esille.

This here is something that 98,7%(1) of people living in Finland recognise immediately (whether they want to or not):

That is the mascot of a large Finnish supermarket chain, one they parade around a few times a year during their discount campaign. It’s supposed to be a woolly mammoth, but that’s a feckin’ deranged blue elephant with a stubble and the world's ugliest beanie (probably stolen from a drunk vagrant, and excuse my Finnish, but jossain Korson skutsissa on spuge jonka pipon sänkinorsu vei). I hate that thing, and at least once a year I wonder how the chain would react if we dressed a bunch of people with long, oily and tousled hair in ragged and dirty furs and armed them with stone spears and clubs, then had them attack one of those balloon- mascots in a store. The plastic stubble-elephant is pierced with a flint spear and then dragged into a bush by the parking lot amidst celebratory cheers and roasted on a spit, and, in Finnish again, kova käry käy kun kuminorsu kokossa karrelle käristetään.

I often make a list of the worst things that might happen just like any proper pessimist would. Things like the mad nutbag from Russia invading Finland, the crazy psycho from North Korea testing a nuke on a randomly selected continent, some continental plight destroying the harvest, the price of electricity quadrupling in a day(2), a global invasion of hippie aliens, a large meteor striking Helsinki dead centre, or running out of olives, mint-chocolate tea and cheese at 14:00 (3).

I’m aware that the last one might sound like a bad priority, but at least I’ve got priorities. And the survivors of hurricane Katrina have never faced hurricane Kat-the-fuck-d’you-mean-we’re-out-of-olives. Without my daily dose of a dozen olives and cheese I become a Finnish version of Attila the Hun(4).

(1) Approximately.
(2) Wait, that already happened. Never effing mind.
(3) Olives, mint-chocolate tea and cheese are sacred and inviolable. If you don’t like them, you’re a deeply flawed person.
(4) More tea, less horses and rape, probably the same amount of hair and foul stench.

18.05.2022 (21:53) I know you wanted to enjoy a night at the opera, but here's a recording of a bleating goat for you

A decent cook can make a plate of steaming food. A bad cook will produce a pile of smoking food... or partial coal. A really, really bad cook burns the plates too.

So many books you need a wheelbarrow? (I had a funny reaction to a friend who complained about having to move about 100 books or so, considering we have around 3000)

Did she wear her top on her head, or remove a part of her skull? Probably the former, though that doesn't make much sense either. Perhaps she just didn't have a hat?

For some people chocolate is a punishment, not a pleasure.

Myydään miniä. Halpa. Hae pois.

A friend in the USA is helping me get some of Swarovski's USA-exclusive figurines, so I placed a wanted to buy-ad in two Swarovski collectors' groups. Received several offers, and only ONE seller had one single figurine I was looking for: instead of the two USA-exclusive hedgehogs I've received four offers for one of the globally distributed ones, and one seller got insulted when I told them I wasn't looking to buy their globally distributed dachshund 014388, because I was looking for 7672NR42. Another person sent a whole bunch of photos about bees and butterflies they had for sale, yet not one of them was from the "In Flight"-series I was searching for, and the coup de grâce was a collector who'd never heard of a certain 1st edition item and was adamant I should buy a figurine I already owned because they desperately wanted to sell it. Three offers for the globally sold koalas as well, not a single one for the USA-exclusive ones. Bloody annoying. I know it doesn't make much sense to a non-collector, but it's much the same as if you were looking to book a holiday on a nice and sunny beach and you're offered a trip to Alaska in January. Or you want to buy some beef tenderloin and then the seller tells you that "here's a nice skinned and gutted squirrel for you".

Sometimes when I look at what Americans have done to British English, I'm tempted to tell them to return their language immediately back to sender, unharmed and posthaste. Then I remember what the Scots have done to English.

A whooper swan has moved into our garden pond. A young one, looks like. Not tame at all, it moves away when we get too close, but it doesn't look like it's going anywhere.

15.05.2022 (23:26) There are worse things than being pursued

A whole thicket of trees has unexpectedly died.

Well up yours too, m'darling.

Yes yes, we all resent someone.

I'm not sure if the bloke is relieved when he's not pursued, or if this is actually worse.


(kuvanmuokkaus Maija J.)

Next week I'm supposed to work with a person who irks the hell out of me. People keep telling me to "just keep an open mind and stay positive", but how the hell am I supposed to "stay positive" when I've never been positive in the first place, and when the only "open mind" I can imagine right now is receiving a lobotomy with a blunt axe and a tire iron, because that's exactly what working with the person in question is like.

12.05.2022 (19:43) Original arseholeism

A close relative to reindeer, this shy and docile animal likes rain.

When something rips, you'll hope you'd just have a broken rib or two.

Silver spoon is much more pleasant.

Hate the leader just on principle.

Puistoissa on kohta kosteat paikat ja Kaivariin pääsee sukellusvarustein.

I bought Mikko a book about Finnish folk tales. Actually just one part of a series about Finnish folk tales, and this volume concentrates on jokes and humour. I think it neglects the most common Finnish folk tale of all. The tale goes like this: "Yes, officer, I swear I only had one beer..."

Another sign of being a pair of hopeless geeks is when you and your spouse tend to place secondary bookmarks in your books just so you can show something to the other, and then go ridiculously soft and cuddly because your own bookmark in their book is just the height of romance.

I'm currently avoiding an acquaintance because the person in question has experienced a religious awakening and decided that everyone must hear a sermon and be converted. It's Jesus this and original sin that. I believe there are thousands of men called Jesus all over the planet, but when they die, I promise you none of them will rise up again, let alone fly up into the sky. And I don't believe in original sin either. I do believe in something called original asshole-ism: all humans are born arseholes, and no amount of praying or repentance will ever change that.

08.05.2022 (00:34) That's not a haystack, that's three men hiding under a very large toupée*

His hairpiece was large enough to fit several people.

Thoughts about female horses are creepy. Stallions are OK though.

Clams are very peaceful.

House especially suitable for anal sex and enemas.

Yritettiinkö tässä ilmaista että miinan kera?

Mikko has a habit of apologising even when has done nothing wrong. He just apologised because I'd forgotten to renew my passport, which expired just three weeks ago. Apparently he thought he should have reminded me, which is silly, because I never asked him to, and the fault was mine. It's something I need to take advantage of, so I'll probably stay up until 4 am just thinking of things I can blame him for. Like climate change. Floods. Famines. The invention of movie sequels. The pleistocene epoch extinction.

*Mikko told me to write "toupée or not toupée". Don't worry, I already threatened to toss his sorry arse out of the nearest window(2).
(2) It's for the general mental well-being of us all, you see.

03.05.2022 (14:18) Could I move into a bakery for a rent that includes 'all-you-can-eat'?

Better than bread rolls. You have to buy or bake those, but bred rolls breed on their own.

I know you were hoping to get a good grade, but when you're unemployed or working for minimum wage, you can always sell that grate.

When I moved inside a store I hoped I'd never have to tolerate next-door neighbours again, but there's some punk living in the next store too.

You can't hop and bounce in public.

Tämä oli oma kirjoitusvirheeni. Kasvien sukupuolitauti iskee sekä emiin että heteisiin.

I have to keep deleting Google's cookies a bit more frequently because the way it predicts my preferences is just creepy. I peeked at my stuff on Youtube, and apparently my recent (and hopeless) search for an update for a predicted publication date for 'The Winds of Winter' got caught. Youtube immediately recommended a set of best scenes from season 1 of 'Game of Thrones'. I've seen GoT, and yes, I was sorely disappointed with the final season (and, yeah, the 7th season too, and some of the 6th as well, come to think of it). I didn't bother looking through the video, but I suspect that "Best clips of season 8" video will consist of ten minutes of blank screen. That, or they'll possibly substitute the whole thing with a bunch of world-class actors forced to do their impression of circus clown routine. Just with a lot more deaths and blood and explosions than your standard run-of-the-mill clown car act.

From following yet another chauvinistic discussion about female assets it seems to me like some men believe that the best breasts don’t only look like they’re literally ready to break through the brassiere but also into a bloody riot. That, or be used as a small version of a zeppelin. It must be a completely male thing, because even though breasts can be awfully attractive and lovely, I can’t help but wonder if the next logical step for those artificial silicone wonders would be to levitate half a metre or so above the ground.

Three things to note.
Point one: if you happen to serve in the military and you're looking for a new weapon, please consider posting dentists and their equipment along the border. One look at some of the drills, hooks and scrapers and the dentists all too willing to use them, and your foes will flee. Your own army will also turn tail and run, but I'm not sure if that's relevant at that point.
Point two: patients should be equipped with white flags before they sit in a dentist's chair so they can surrender and beg for mercy.
Point three: Ouch.

Vappu (or Walburgis or May Day for non-Finns*) is over. As per our annual tradition, we made doughnuts. In Finnish they're called 'munkki', which also means 'monk' or 'friar' in Finnish. Mikko has a whole routine of terrible jokes about convents, monks and sugar and it gets repeated annually. For any non-Finns: 'Vappu' in Finland is one of the major annual celebrations. Doughnuts, funnel cakes and 'sima' (a type of mead) are sold everywhere, and the bigger cities have tons of events and things to see. Most of those things involve drunk students doing crazy things. That's different from the Midsummer festival 'Juhannus', which involves bonfires and drunk people of all ages doing crazy things.

*You know, all those sensible people who live in a warmer climate and not right across the border to feckin' loons in Russia.

25.04.2022 (01:04) Death to blasphemers of good tea

Commissions are louder than just your average commotion. That's why artists are so expensive to hire.

The response was illegal.

We were hoping to reach all the agents in ten mile radius, but now we'll have to recalculate everything.

This person fell apart so badly they needed to be built from foundations up again.

Älä osta halvallakaan kadulta löydettyä 'tavaraa'. Ties mitä siitä voi tarttua.

This weekend was a combination of terrible luck and misery. I twisted my weak ankle no less than six times, scraped a bad wound on my shin and went arse over teakettle while I was carrying a plateful of food, thus losing my entire meal, which I had to toss away and scrub the floors instead of eating. I ruined a cake (and I had no feckin' idea how, considering it's raspberry-blackberry, the easiest cakes in the world, and only then realised I'd adjusted the oven to wrong settings, so of course it didn't bake properly), lost two auctions on eBay to a sniper because I forgot they were ending, got my feet sore while carrying felled timber up a small hill, and got several scrapes for my trouble. One of my cockatoos currently hates me because I had to take him to get his overgrown beak trimmed, and my neck's sore.

And when I'd had a proper meal and was planting some beans, I came across a white-tailed deer in our garden. It stared at me for a long time, apparently with either disgust or disbelief, before it fled like all demons from hell were at his tail. I whistled, it stopped and looked back as if wondering if I'd checked out his arse (sorry, deer, I like my males older and, ahem, less horny*) before he ran off for good. I'd just smiled blissfully, happy about my encounter with wildlife (though we do see those buggers almost every day here) until I realised the thrice-cursed beast had just chewed the needles off one of my decorative miniature conifers and had taken a big bit out of Microhirs 3 Bloombux. I shrieked like a tomcat tossed into icy water and let out a string of curses so foul it blackened the sunny skies. Mikko took me to buy some new plants, but right now I wish those deer would encounter a passionate hunter with a taste for deer meat. As charming as they are, considering those blasted creatures also managed to reach over the barriers and killed my Dauricum x carolinianum P.J. Mezitt, I wouldn't miss them one bit.

Just so you know, tea bags are a disgrace and an affront to good tea. If you confess you use bagged tea, I'll label you an infidel. Don't worry, I'll give you a good head start before I attempt to burn you at the stake.

*Ew, not that way. Get your mind out of the gutter, you filthy animal.

20.04.2022 (13:21) You'll get an axe when you've taken out the garbage, young man!

He ate a lot of poultry. Angrily.

Extremely dry wine.

They cremated him and used his ashes to print the forewords in a book. It wasn't a bestseller.

Don't express any curiosity about corridors unless it's daytime.

You may have thought you saved a pretty penny when you hired your mum instead of a proper master-at-arms, but you'll regret it when you prepare for battle and you're told you can't have a sword until you've done your chores and put your shoes in their proper place.

Osta hieno aasi.

A friend asked me to "invent something funny" on the spot. If we'd have been face to face, I'd have given her a long blank stare to indicate my disappointment in her before I suggested "clown striptease". We're in disagreement if it's more disturbing than funny.

As an active collector and wife to another, I spend a lot of time browsing online antique auction catalogues in Finland. They sell a lot of retro and design too. Last week, for example, I spotted a desk lamp that looked remarkably like a black perching buzzard. I wonder who on earth wants to have a light fixture that looks like it's just waiting for you to keel over so it can eat your intestines?

Mikko spoke about how much dressing and choosing a proper outfit can be used as means of communication. My immediate thought was to wonder if it would be possible to install a large sign on top of my head with the picture of a hand giving the world the finger. (Considering how seldom he's seen wearing something other than jeans and a shirt, he's one to talk...)

Fazer's Mignon eggs were -50% off. We now have a bit under 50 Mignon eggs. Now let Mikko try and argue I can't use one to make Mignon mousse.

Jos menet yleisövessaan ja saat 'asiat' toimitettuasi aplodit, muista että olisi voinut mennä pahemminkin. Olisit luultavasti ansainnut buuaukset.

12.04.2022 (18:29) If I were to apply for agricultural subsidy, would that mean I'm admitting I'm a cow?

Most people enjoy having an en-suite bathroom, but others prefer to do their dirty business inside their suits.

What do you get if you cross USD and GBP? I've frankly no idea, but shopping has never been harder.

Bastards all come from under a certain son.

Your death is unfortunate but at least it's highly respectable.

Can see where that lie landed.

Went to see 'The Play that Goes Wrong' in Helsinki. It was so funny I could actually go see that one again, if it weren't for all the other people in the theatre*. It was a Finnish translation, and made me wish I could see it in English, but short of travelling to the UK I doubt that's possible. Mikko loved it. It was another birthday present to him. I also endured a dinner with his brother's family. I think he milked the birthday so much I might consider applying for an agricultural subsidy.

I suggested I could use one or two of the twenty-or-so Mignon Eggs to make a Mignon-mousse. Mikko looked at me as if I'd just threatened to cook the firstborn child we never had in truffle sauce. Apparently another rule in this household is that Mignons are inviolable.

*So much exposure to humans I probably won't be leaving our home for at least two weeks. Exhausted!

08.04.2022 (14:38) The reasons why everyone should like Tibetan monks

Almost like being a maid of honour, but you don't have to be a maid.

Actors sometimes think they have the worst gigs. It could be worse, you know.

You hope to hear some secrets, and then, ugh, let's not go there.

The guide who drowned was more entertaining than the one who just droned on. If a lot more traumatic.

Jos nyt ensin kuitenkin maksaisit tavarat ja vasta sitten suunnittelisit niiden kanssa makaamista.

There are days when everything in the kitchen seems to work out for the best, and I'm so happy I hum and sing aloud. It makes Mikko unreasonably happy. I'm not surprised when I see him enjoy the pies, soups, cakes and casseroles, of course - it's the singing that throws me for a loop. He plays guitar (poorly, by his own admission) but I'm starting to suspect he's tone deaf, because there's just no other reason to rejoice when you hear a woman who sounds like an asthmatic hyena choking on a bone. If anything, he should be trying to evacuate through the nearest window, because my voice is the vocal equivalent of a field amputation using a blunt axe and a pair of plastic pliers.

I heard it's good to have friends in high places. Are there any Tibetan monks looking for a pen pal, or should I ask Mikko to go climb a tree?

And speaking of Mikko, he had his 60th birthday yesterday. I got him 83 books and other collectibles and wrapped the whole lot in 60 packages. He's very environmentally conscious, so all the packaging material was recycled or repurposed, and will be recycled and /or repurposed again. The majority of the books were vintage, antique or second-hand, too, just like he wanted - I'm the picky snob in this house. I had promised to take him shopping for delicacies and we did get a good selection, even if we did have to dig our entire driveway from under a massive pile of snow (the usual snowplough-driver was sick). I have two more promises to keep/gifts to give, but more about that later.

For those curious about Swarovski figurines, the newest items in my collection are introduced in this Youtube-video here. Just the items acquired between late January and end of March. The next one should be posted in early July.

02.04.2022 (16:02) The art of being competitively lazy and exceedingly pessimistic

I'm married so I don't have a fiancé. I tend to introduce my spouse as my wallet-on-two-legs.

Ordered two pitchers of beer. Got a pair of good photographs instead, but I guess that'll do.

When hands become very loud.

Kauhea skandaali.

It's one of those rare Saturdays when we aren't ridiculously busy. Feels nice to just sit, read and drink tea together. Second pot for today, just so you know, Mikko got me up at eight using 'Teapot violence'*.

When it's winter and you're up to your elbows in snow trying to clear the driveways and walkways between buildings, one tends to wonder why on earth does one choose to live in this blasted country. But now that the spring is slowly but steadily approaching, and you watch birds building their nests and observe the resident small herd of white-tailed deer forage in the rhodo garden, or at night when you try to spot the northern lights and listen to the owls calling, that's when the past winter doesn't feel quite that bad.(2)

The deer are relatively relaxed, if not exactly tame. When I went out yesterday, two of them were behind the sauna only about seven or eight metres away. They only took off after my sneaker struck the metal step and the loud noise scared them off, but even then they only went about fifteen metres off and then stopped. They eat from the bird feeders all winter. Unfortunately they also like the taste of rhododendrons, so we have to keep my plants covered in metal netting all the time.

*Teapot violence = the act of Mikko waking me up by bringing a pot of tea. It's impossible to sleep when there's tea to drink. The only other effective way of getting me up early is by employing a crowbar, a sledge hammer and a bucket of ice cubes.(3)
(2) Then I looked at the weather forecast. I detest this country.
(3) I'm not sure if there's some international competition for excessive sleeping and dozing off, and I'm too tired to look it up and way too lazy to actually attend such an event. If I did attend, I'd have to be dragged there on a gurney, and then promptly disqualified for sleeping during the sendoff. I suspect that even if there has been an attempt to organise something like that, the few attendants who woke up during that initial meeting couldn't actually be arsed to do something about it. Almost like the international union of pessimists: if you actually expect that something good would come from such an effort, you're really not a pessimist.

29.03.2022 (19:21) Attempted to make gruel and it became awful sticky paste, but would it keep up these wallpapers?

Those days when all you have is paste. Oh, and guess what's for dinner?

Trendy people toss away their bedspreads and cover everything in beads.

You know, I can empathise with someone who wouldn't want to wear breeches, as I prefer dresses myself, but this? Oh well. Once more unto the breeches?

Can you be so nauseous you'd feel several nauseas at once?

Kyllin tukevatekoinen jotta kannattaa sekä äidin että isän painon. Tunnetaan myös nimellä "panokaluste".

-Open a shipping box.
-Spot a huge spider moving inside bubble wrap.
-Scream bloody murder.
-Arm yourself with a vacuum cleaner.
-Ask* your husband for help, because it's a bloody huge spider and needs to be killed. With fire.
-Get him a piece of paper whilst hanging on to the vacuum cleaner like a life raft on a stormy sea.
-Also keep the vac cleaner running and aimed at the box.
-Husband calmly opens the box again and searches...
-and tells you you've spotted a loose piece of torn cardboard which simply rolled around in the bubble wrap.
-Even the howling vacuum cleaner you're still clinging to sounds like it's mocking you.
Score as of today: arachnophobia 110, Katte O.

*ask=shriek like a banshee

28.03.2022 (10:38) If you're out of sight, out of mind, are you out of my sight or out of your mind?

I guess going into a bunker (or several) is better than going bonkers.

The smartest zombies gladly return to learn something new.

Flowers now have pedals.

Miners become invisible when they get back above ground.

Älä polta lapsiasi sekä kahdeksan muuta elämän tärkeää oppituntia.

Mikko's 60th birthday is coming soon. No parties: give your gift to the refugees from Ukraine (or environmental causes, which Mikko appreciates). I suspect I have over 90 presents for him, but I'll have to sort them and make 60 parcels: some will simply contain more than one item. I have two small cupboards chock full of books and collectibles for him.

I hate Daylight Saving Time. Basically it's just the government stealing an hour of my precious sleep. Oh, they do give it back later, but without any interest (those stingy bastards), and then they pretend it's all good. My band-aid solution was burrowing under Mikko's blankets and snuggling up to him, then sticking to him like a burr and grumbling incoherent protests when he tried to do something useless (like going to the loo or having breakfast). If I have to suffer, someone else will suffer too.

Had to count my Swarovski figurines: 882 'crystal creations' (some 'creations' have many parts, so it's well over 1000 separate crystal items in total). I'll pass the 900 mark before summer, and 1000-mark in 2023 or early 2024. How should I celebrate those occasions? (Chocolate doesn't count as suggestion. There's always chocolate . Cake's also too obvious)

21.03.2022 (15:14) The truth is in the cream, and sometimes in the milk

We had some leftover custard and now that's all over the south wall. We also covered the rest of the walls with strawberry jam, there's a thick layer of blancmange over the floor, and we managed to get some whipped cream over the ceiling. Here's some hazelnuts and biscuits to throw around.

We wanted a hot experience and ordered something with chilli. This chicken is crispy but also very cold.

Listen to the milk of truth.

That evening was completely loyal, but the next morning cheated the shite out of you.

Mikko works from home and has a long meeting today. Since we're in a mutually respectful and supportive marriage, it is my duty as his wife to respect his privacy and allow him to concentrate. Therefore I shall distract myself by moving two of my computers into his room and right next to his desk to give him proper support while simultaneously streaming online lessons for yodelling and American square dancing. I might also consider having a picnic next to his desk just to show my support. While, of course, yodelling and square-dancing as I eat. Anything to support him and his professional endeavours.

19.03.2022 (00:03) The wonders of marriage and sleep deprivation

Going inside a horse is unconvincing.

Hats are involved with this work.

He ate the bait and choked on them? Or perhaps his breath stinks so badly it could be used as bait?

This is one of my (very old) mistakes, one of the oldest pages and taken offline years ago. My hair is part of aquatic geography and I hate that.

I was exhausted this morning, with a sore neck and too little sleep. I lazily browsed the mail and came across an advertisement for an event called "candy rain": apparently they intend to rain sweets upon hapless victims (or, rather, ecstatic children and their hapless parents). My reaction #1 was "I want to be in a candy rain too!” Reaction #2 followed immediately, "--but not with those kids." Reaction #3: "Perhaps Mikko can scatter sweets from the second floor and down the staircase while I stand below?" Reaction #4: "The mess will be terrible and I'd be the one cleaning it all up." Right then Mikko walked in with the tea tray and I (at this point I will remind you that I'd slept four hours in a bad position after several days of sleep-deprivation) told him acidly: "you bastard--" and was about to accuse him of the dreadful mess of sweets scattered all over the dining room and hallway floor... until I realised there had been no candy rain in our house and stopped, leaving one bewildered husband to wonder what the hell had he done now.

Ah, the joys of marriage.

16.03.2022 (18:59) Let me express my ardent appreciation with this row of severed heads on spikes

You can use this cannon to launch books, DVDs and Blu-rays. It can launch an entire unabridged Hugo's Les Misérables at a velocity high enough to decapitate a bull.

This is the complaint about a book not being 'compliant' with the cannon that shoots all the other books. The book you were about to launch is probably either too thick or too heavy.

If you can't cope, things can get very... cramped.

Markkinoilla myös kalansyöttejä. Ikävä kyllä ne ovat myyntikuvissa ryömineet mattojen alle.

Swarovski named their new elephant head decoration "Ujamaa", which apparently means 'kinship' in Swahili. Right, because nothing talks about kinship like the head of an animal on top of a big pole.

Also, had another tiny argument about the old and outdated humoral theory last night. I hate it when people casually refer to it because the entire theory is such a load of bollocks. That, and it ignores two vital pieces: bad humour and the 'humor' of being just utterly pissed off.

Our garden currently has 24 bird nest boxes. We cleaned and emptied the 17 older ones last week: 13 of them had been nested in, and three of them had been used for two clutches in one summer. Found one dead baby blue tit in one box. About fledgling age, no apparent cause of death but it was very dry so impossible to tell. Two boxes couldn't be opened due to structural problems and will need to be decommissioned (or possibly left there for insects, that seems to work fine too). Two had only been used for sleeping during this winter (no nesting last summer, but it's no wonder since we only hung them up last June). Seven more were installed this week, but I can see birds inspecting them daily, and I suspect most of them will have a nest during next summer. Also spotted three natural nests, including a starling nest in a spruce and a magpie nest on one of the highest pines.

We could've hung up more but the house will need to be painted and the workers would disturb the nests, so we can't really bring any boxes close to the house. We've had more, but in recent years we've had to retire a couple every year and haven't replaced as many as we've retired, so we put several up while we were at it. A couple were dedicated specially for willow tits and crested tits.

14.03.2022 (23:47) The end is neigh. The beginning is moo.

If the end is nigh, bring out the horses.*

Sometimes female anatomy becomes a trap.

When your laughter sounds like a concert of hammers, saws, screwdrivers and an occasional strike with a mallet.

Koirarotu jonka omistamiseen saa avustusta.

At one point years ago my mother had a ridiculous desire to give me clothes. I guess she thought I was being boring when I favoured black, white and blue, but the clothes she gave me didn't just look like I made a narrow escape from the 60's, but also like the 70's caught me as I tried to flee. I remember a certain glittery jacket that made the wearer look like a crossbreed of a disco ball and an eggplant, and while I adore high heels, some of her footwear looked like it could be glued to the tip of a battering ram and used to take down a fort.

Another problem about having a severe social phobia is stress. And not just about face-to-face-interaction, which leaves me miserable and exhausted for weeks on end, but from things like replying to a simple email. A normal person receives an email and simply sends a reply. They might spend a few minutes, perhaps even a full day thinking about how to respond nicely, but they do it (and blame their work, colleague, boss, spouse or child for the minor delay). When I receive an email that I can't just bin and forget, that's when the stress begins. How do I respond to this without sounding like a) a complete loon, b) suicidal, c) homicidal, d) all of the above? Does this person understand subtle nuances or humour, or do I have to simplify everything and presume I'm talking to a moron? I can't just tell them straight up that their opinions are complete bollocks, can I? Then I spend more than a day hoping I could just delete the blasted email and claim I never received it, but I know I need to work with that person (or interact with them socially) so that's not going to cut it.

And while I've been stressing and thinking about how to respond to this very important email, it's been three weeks and I really need to blame someone, and did you know my parrot ate my email? I was also too busy because I spent a whole week cutting my toenails, and would you mind doing this work without any advice and directions?

*Mikko mentioned a film called "A Horse with No Name", and I wondered if it should've been "A Horse with No Neigh". Apparently not.

11.03.2022 (17:56) They said you should leave your mark in this world, but I doubt they wanted you to use a stamper.

This is my own typo. We were confessing stupid childhood things and then there's me nicking a stamper and leaving a track of stamps all the way up and down the stairs. One more way to be a petulant teenager.

No, confessing my own typos doesn't bother me. Everyone makes typos and mistakes. It's the beauty of language: one incorrect letter or a homophone and you have something hilarious and new. I love languages and part of that beauty is how easily meanings can be modified. 99% of typos and spelling mistakes are boring. There's the mixing up of your and you're, and then the terrible threesome of there, their and they're, commonly mixed up amongst us non-native speakers of English. Those mistakes can be found everywhere. In Finnish it's the same with the lack of a possessive suffix. Finnish compound word errors can sometimes be hilarious, but 90% of those are just dull and uninteresting. But among the 999865745 your vs. you're-mistakes you have something like:

I am now a lower lip.

And then there's something like...

Suddenly we don't give a damn about who is hiding in the dark. *yawn*


I don't drive a car, but I suspect it'd be really difficult to brake through a mask. I don't think the police would like that either.

Damn. Olen tottunut ostamaan kokonaisen myymälän kerralla, mutta jos tuon etupuoliskon saisi niinkin halvalla.

10.03.2022 (17:56) How about a nice bowl of awls and a juicy hammer for dessert?

Remember to refer to common people as such.

There's a slight chance the person didn't have a knife and used a creaser to chop the vegs, nut just how stupid some people are there's a good chance they're trying to swallow a bunch of leather-working tools. I doubt the dressing will help.

He stopped moping, and now the floors are well and truly clean.

Always the same thing: you expect a guy to do the dishes* and then his dong makes an appearance. And then they wonder why you protest?

Asiakaskadon ja viljakadon kuningasluokkaa.

I may have spoken earlier about my religious beliefs. To put it short, I'm a devout shutthefuckupist, a sworn member of the Saint Church of Shut-the-fuck-up and a member of the radical movement Seventh Day Shutthefuckupism(2). It’s a simple and gratifying religion: we invite no questions and don’t give a flying crap about any new members who’d wish to join. There are no complex ethical and moral codes, no confessionals, no sermons or services, taxes or fees. No chanting - and absolutely no bloody singing! Our doctrine is the simplest possible: if you have any questions about things like the possibility of afterlife or the state and existence of your soul, just shut up and go away.

Dollhouse roombox-series: Third high room, the study/library. About half of the books in the two bookshelves have real pages with pictures and text (some even readable). I'll have to find a small table and two chairs for the chess set (the tiny gold- and silver-coloured pieces are in the tiny grey box). The hourglass on the lowest shelf works, though it only measures a few seconds, and I have a functioning little mantel clock which belongs in this room, but I'd taken it away to change the batteries, noticed I didn't have any extras, and now the clock is sitting on my desk as a reminder to buy the effing batteries(3).

Picture 2,
Picture 3,
Picture 4,
Picture 5.

*I still remember the horrified shock I got when I heard that in other countries people who wash their dishes by hand don't actually rinse them, but simply dry them after soaking them in soapy water. I felt physically ill for hours. Apparently 'cultural shock' equals an overwhelming desire to retch. Go figure. Other cultural shocks this week have involved hearing about how cold the houses are in central Europe. We keep our house at +20°C (68°F for the foreign heathens who still have not mastered the celsius scale) even when it's -30°C (-22°F) outside. A foreign friend who visited us years ago was surprised by how thick the walls of our houses are and how every window has double or triple glazing. Here's why: we don't like the thought of getting up from a chair and leaving our arse cheeks behind to be collected at a later date when they thaw.
(2) In Finnish this would be "Turpakiinnistinen uskontokunta" and "Sen seitsemännen päivän turpakiinnistit"
(3) As of today the clock in question has been sitting on my desk for two weeks and three days. Perhaps I should just, you know, write "buy batteries" on Mikko's shopping list?

04.03.2022 (22:21) Silence might not be golden, but is 20€ enough to shut you up?

They paid for a moment of silence, but then some sorry bastard had to open his mouth.

Most men would probably prefer this to being kneed in the groin.

I usually don't keep my cutlery locked up, but spoons require special treatment.

Mäet voivat olla niin kauhistuttavia että niiden pelon mukaan on nimetty katu. Tarvinneeko mainita mitään paikan topografiasta?

A friend noted my habit of writing ridiculously long sentences. I told her my sentences don't just run on and on almost endlessly: they also tend to take small breaks to ambush people and kick them liberally in sorest possible spots.

Dollhouse roombox-series: Ice cream cafe in a separate box. This one is my oldest project, built about 16-17 years ago. The wallpaper is terrible: the answer to the test called "can a small piece of wallpaper be attached with Eri Keeper*" was a resounding "no" with a good dose of "fuck no" on the side. This box has served as many rooms before: it began its life as an old general store.

Picture 2,
Picture 3.

*A very popular glue here in Finland. Doesn't glue wallpapers though.

03.03.2022 (15:59) Don't try running with a book between your legs

Lots of trees and shrubs here. Good for some added privacy?

It wasn't a long tale and it was printed on thin paper, but still the damn thing chafed.

I don't think I've ever posted a Bing translation, have I? Now I'm going to assume that most people who might read this don't speak Italian, so let me translate: the writer was searching for 'personnagi presepe' = Nativity Scene characters. Apparently they're hardened traitors though: Melcior ran off with the gold and the myrrh, Caspar is wanted for fraud and they're investigating some paternity charges concerning Mary and her baby. Joseph slept with three women and ran off to Puerto Rico to escape the alimony and the shepherd is a suspect in a case concerning bestiality. Errr, moving on. Pastore = shepherd, and bue = ox, which, coincidentally, tastes very good in red wine sauce.

Osta hyvä asia. Vanha asia mutta ilmeisesti vielä asiallinen.

Dollhouse roombox-series: A gazebo inside a decorative birdcage. This one is one of my older projects, made about 15 years ago.

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01.03.2022 (09:03) So without further ado...

So much ado we didn't bother to say any goodbyes.

All dues paid?

He said yes and it all went downhill from there.

You may feel aeons old but that's because you're a very sad little drunk. Get sober and you'll realise just how small and insignificant you really are.

Tämä vene lisääntyy niin epänormaalisti että siitä on pakko olla kuva.

(Harry Potter mistakes-week is over, and was dedicated to my friend T, who has for two years battled cancer and depression. With lots of luv and errors.)

An uplifting wisdom for today:
When all goes to hell and the time comes to assign blame, I recommend immediately employing strategy A: point your finger and shout.

Dollhouse roombox-series: garden #1. The wallpaper quality sucked. Big time. Will probably have to peel that tile-wallpaper and replace it with something better.

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27.02.2022 (13:43) Harry Potter-mistakes, day 7 (Let's quit while we're ahead)

The game starts the same way as Quidditch, but when they let the Snitch loose, everyone says "oh hell no" and goes home.

He sucked as an Auror, but looks much better spread across the night sky.

Went through Thief's Downfall looking like Bellatrix. Emerged looking like a zebra.

Permeant = usually a liquid or gas which permeates through barriers. I think they'd prefer a permanent teacher instead of someone who routinely seeps through the floor.

Drawing is definitely one of my weakest talents: I think a deep-sea lanternfish would have just about as much talent with pens and paper as I do. I had to confess to a person I cannot draw a believable stick figure. He told me he can't draw a believable stick figure either, though he's apparently a professional artist. I ought to have told him that when I draw a stick figure, people ask me why I've tried to write "fuck you" in kanji.

Dollhouse roombox-series: a room from the shelf-dollhouse, tea room, right corner, 2nd floor.

Photo bonus: Finland, February 27th 2022, 07:30 AM, dawn.

26.02.2022 (11:26) Harry Potter-mistakes, day 6 (Fleur Weasley and the quest for clean hankies)

I'm not sure if Hermione would prefer her hair going from bushy to being busy, but then again, how would I know?

Bill divorced Fleur and married a woman with constant flu.

Nymphadora Tonks likes sex too much.

Who you gonna call? The Scottish Ghostbusters! No dull overalls for these guys: just kilts and sporran, and instead of using proton packs they show the ghosts "the Scottish full moon". No ghost wants to hang around after that.

I'm still feeling miserable: I'm trying to turn my sleep rhythm, you see, and for almost two weeks I've been awake at strange hours, sleeping two hours here, four hours there, and five hours maximum before my mind drags me awake by force. As a result I'm constantly sleepy and either grouchy or overly affectionate (Mikko has been reassigned to serve as my favourite combination of teddy bear and pillow). Still not feeling well, but I'll be testing a bit and attempting to improvise both chicken pie and nougat cake.

Dollhouse roombox-series: basement storage room, the second wall roombox with to light inside it, and lower than any other room. Like in many other rooms, the floor is wood and assembled from wood sticks, but I selected grade 2-sticks for the storage room and serving kitchen.

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24.02.2022 (00:30) Harry Potter-mistakes, day 5 (The ship that was lost)

A place worse than the Shrieking Shack. This one shrieks and shakes.

A ship loaded with apprentices. The captain is only in training, but never mind that, the navigator has almost completed his coursework and the cargo loaders are pretty good at playing Tetris.

We were innocently studying and suddenly we were all pompous red-headed prats with penchant for politics and boot-licking.

Very vile indeed.

Mikko finally had his twice-rescheduled dental surgery on Tuesday. Poor thing, he always looks like a victim of facial paralysis the first day and like he was trying to eat a whole hamster the next. Getting there wasn't easy either (and I'm not talking about the dentist falling sick for the third time). It snowed all day Monday and through the night, and since we pay for a neighbour for snow ploughing service, he stays home until it stops snowing and then removes the snow in one go. Since it was still snowing, our car was stuck under a thick layer of snow and barred from the ploughed roads by about 20 metres of snow up to your thighs. I've told him we need to buy a snowblower, but he insists on doing it by hand. Thus we had to shovel our way to the bigger road and got it done just in the nick of time.

Dollhouse roombox-series: the servant's kitchen. The lamp in the ceiling works, it's a battery-LED. The table in the middle is one of my oldest pieces. I was attending an antique auction with my mother somewhere between 1990 and 1993 and considered myself way too old for dollhouses (I never liked playing with toys, but I liked owning and colleting them, the greedy brat that I was). Still, mum purchased the lot for me. They miraculously survived a fire, sustaining mild damage. The structure of this table is a bit twisted and darkened from the soot that covered everything on that floor, but I kept it anyway. It's a sentimental thing.

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21.02.2022 (05:05) Harry Potter-mistakes, day 4 (Hey, this vomiting potion tastes remarably like vegetable soup)

A curse only used by emperors.

Good news: you don't have lycanthropy. Bad news: you can kiss your hardware goodbye.

The whole Hogwarts experience was the result of one big drug trip.

Fortunately professor Snape will not be taking a leak: instead we'll receive a demonstration on using common cooking vegetables.

A friend who works in marketing asked me why I never tried to market anything, what with my verbal talents and whatnot. This tells us that marketing people are born optimistic and with a large dose of unrealism. I can just picture a few of my highly successful marketing campaigns:
-Marketing a local community: "Move into our community, we need a new village idiot," or, if I happened to live close to that particular community and were feeling perfectly honest, "Don't move here, our idiot quota is full."
-Marketing software: "Don't buy or products, your users will be too dumb to use them anyway."
-Marketing tangible goods: "Produced by slave labour in a third-world country, imported without paying honest taxes, happily polluting all the way to your market cart. Will break before the warranty period is over, but our policy of warranty was written by weasels."
I'm sure there are several companies just dying to hire me to market their products and services. They're just dying to lose their customers, their self-esteem and their will to live. I'll let them know if I get bored of what I do now and need to find new ways of depressing people.

Dollhouse roombox-series: Bakery. Missing moulding from the floor.

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19.02.2022 (03:10) Harry Potter-mistakes, day 3 (The importance of greater food in the fight against the Dark Lard)

Fuck the greater good. Bring in the chow!

I think the owl just meant to preen but now it's bald.

Squawk! Polly wants a biscuit!

Sinner's End is when you die in a brothel.

Dollhouse roombox-series: Second big bedroom-roombox. Missing moulding from the floor.

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18.02.2022 (00:13) Harry Potter-mistakes, day 2 (Don't go close to the Weeping Willow either, it'll flood you in tears)

The Fat Lady retired and was replaced with an R-rated piece of art.

Look, he can brew it in his sleep.

Unlike the Whomping Willow, this one doesn't dare to hit you. It mostly hides underground. If it's in a really bad mood, it might stick up a root and trip you though.

This willow might give you a good beating, but it's also annoyingly loud.

Dollhouse roombox-series: a room from the shelf-dollhouse: bedroom, upper right corner, 4th floor.

17.02.2022 (01:31) Harry Potter-mistakes, day 1 (this cat has sharp and pointy edges)

Billowing robes were dramatic, but these ones are so loud they can make your ears bleed.

This cat isn't clever but at least you can use this cat as a weapon.

Knockturn Alley is for wimps compared to Dagon Alley.

A quill for regents with, ahem, a mild complex about power distribution? (Don't call them dictators if you value your life)

Warning, rant dead ahead. Prepare for the stormy seas, o mateys ahoy:
I *hate* people who keep saying "that's impossible" or "that's too difficult". No it's effing not. You just need to work around the problems and find new ways of working. Everything is possible, people are just too daft and lazy to solve the problems and do things they weren't taught in school. Just because something hasn't been done before or you've never seen it done before doesn't make it impossible, you inept twat.

Yeah, I have another project. We'll have to learn a whole new skill set because people are just frickin' morons.

Talking with people is unnecessarily difficult. You say something relatively simple like,
“That’s as likely to happen as swine vastly improving their aerodynamic characteristics.”
and you receive a collective, “...Wut?”
The only thing to do is to groan and simplify, “When pigs fly.”

Dollhouse roombox-series, fourth box: drawing room. Once again, missing moulding.

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16.02.2022 (02:07)

Those chic dress shops are a dime a dozen (or, since we use euros, should it be "a cent a dozen?) but a dress shop that only serves sheiks is a relatively novel idea here. Perhaps not successful, but novel nevertheless.

Singing just became mandatory.

A person so daft that the momentous task of thinking is noted.

Others eke out their living as best they can, but those who test rides for amusement parks and rate and review horror movies have it worse. Eek!

I'll be doing a series of Harry Potter-mistakes again next. I can't promise a daily update, but you'll get seven days' worth of Potter-errors, even if it takes me two or three weeks to post them.

Dollhouse roombox-series, third box: bathroom. 'Nuff said?

14.02.2022 (05:51) Hidden message in the whipped cream

Just when you thought life couldn't get any weirder you catch your neighbour staring at your yoghurt.

Oh lookie, I'm skipping with joy. Huzzah.

When you're powerful enough, you won't need any make-up.

The lump in your throat isn't because you're nervous. You've simply become a cannibal, and that's a whole arm you're trying to swallow.

Dollhouse roombox-series, second box: Flower shoppe. Missing moulding. Intend to build or buy a stand for hanging flower baskets.

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13.02.2022 (01:55) Is it still cannibalism if you're a city dweller and you eat a farmer?

The level of cuteness rises acutely.

A string instrument makes a surprising appearance.

They'll be shooting city people next month.

Noitien lukutaito on kärsinyt viime vuosikymmeninä.

When you visit a new place and someone hears that you're a tourist or just visiting, they often ask you how you like the city/country? The proper answer to these inquiries is to tell them you're not yet familiar enough with the culture and location to sufficiently insult it, but you're working towards that goal.

Since I know none of you cares about miniatures and dollhouses, this is a great opportunity to spam you with some pictures. Expect more: I have a dollhouse room. We built roomboxes inside the walls and made them into miniature rooms: the only light in the room comes from inside those dollhouses, the room itself has no other light fixtures. Which is actually unnecessary: 23 light bulbs make it one of the brightest rooms in the house, despite the fact that it has no windows and the lighting is indirect. 25 roomboxes inside the walls (two have no lights in them), three separate roomboxes, and a dollhouse with seven rooms equals 35 miniature rooms. Hundreds of miniature items in scale 1:12. I'm having a blast, and all my other work is suffering. .

The first room in a high bedroom. I'll link the rest of the photos.

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09.02.2022 (15:02) Some ugly ducklings become swans, others become cranky old geese

Study of unnamed stars and constellations.

Either the bloke made a hole in her skin or removed a pit (=seed of a fruit) from her. Whatever it is, I pity her.

Someone should remove all pins from the vicinity.

Kuolleiden määrä on mahdollisesti joko kahdeksan, kuusi, tai 86.

It's taken me a long time to understand why Swarovski would call the pink Jungle Beats Butterfly magnet "large" when the dimensions are 2.3 x 3.9 x 1.8 cm, but I've got it now. The person involved is used to calling his "trouser worm" large. It's about proportions and comparisons. Jungle Beats Butterfly Magnet Violet is "small" (size 1.9 x 3.3 x 1.8 cm), but just because someone has smaller than you doesn't mean yours is huge. Just saying...

We celebrated our 23rd 'relationship anniversary' together a few days ago. Another, more honest name for it would be "the anniversary of the day one person managed to get the other party horizontal", though after 23 years we still haven't agreed on who managed to get whom, and if there was any resistance. Our celebration consisted of the usual things: eating well, eating way too many Runeberg's tarts*, and a bundle of presents. For us a wedding anniversary means very little compared to a ‘dating anniversary’. I can get pretty sappy on that date, which is probably quite scary.

I guess all teenagers have that "ugly duckling-phrase". You know, they're all gangly and have disproportionate limbs and faces and the curse of the million zits just before they grow into themselves and become swans. I remember my own surprise when I looked in the mirror one day, over twenty years ago, and realised that good effing god, I'm a cynical and sarcastic bastard!

(I've been ridiculously busy, and as if that wasn't bad enough, I've also been getting severe headaches. If you contact me, don't expect any fast replies.)

*A Finnish sweet cake.

01.02.2022 (17:29) Talking counts as physical exercise, doesn't it?

We could have taken a walk, but we talked about it and decided not to. At least my jaws had their daily exercise.

This is better than "woe betide". At least there's the element of wonder.

Näillä norsukaksosilla on kokemusta syntymisestä, mutta ne olivat pitäneet useamman vuoden taukoa.

When there's a power outage and you sit in a pitch black room unable to heat water for a soothing cuppa and then you receive a text message telling you that "unfortunately the electricity is down in your house--" WELL NO SHIT?!

Kat's Swarovski figurine collection, link to Youtube. The entire collection in one video, a bit under 23 minutes of Swarovski joy.

28.01.2022 (17:04) Methods of threatening the radio

Apparently aquatinting is a printing technique (and yes, I had to Google it, my English isn't quite that good). So, apparently they're processing the poor new inhabitant and their new quarters with certain chemicals and paper.

Some people just need some voice coaching, but people with a voice like mine just need to sit out and shut their mouths.

Arse, the new unit for measuring time.

Talvisodan aika oli pitkä ja ikävä, mutta talvisodan sika ei kestänyt pitkään. (Tämä kirjoitusvirhe oli omani. Korjasin sen heti, mutta vasta kuvakaappauksen otettuani).

Had to drive to Helsinki on Wednesday - or, to be more precise, had to sit in the car while Mikko drove us to Helsinki. I hate leaving home even for such a short time, and most often Mikko travels alone while I lurk inside our home like a particularly malicious crocodile near a cow pasture. I brought a book so I didn't suffer more than absolutely necessary... until Mikko turned on the car radio and my blissful reading was interrupted by the voice of the latest Finnish pop artist, who sounded like a she was protesting to the invasion of three deranged rats and half an anthill inside her costume. I glared at him and told him I could throw my boots at the radio if I wasn't so attached to them. Didn't work. Then I told him I wasn't as attached to his shoes. Also ineffectual. The third strategy involved threatening the radio with my boots again, except they'd also be accompanied with my feet inside for speed and strength. Just then the infernal wailing stopped (thank heavens) and the news broadcast began (perhaps thanks to daily news schedule instead). After the news I was treated to six seconds of an American guitar artist making a heart-aching (ie. tooth-aching) rendition of "My appendix burst and a cat shat in my slippers, o woe") before husband spared my feelings (ie. ears) and turned it off.

And now many people will realise they've read one of the most dull events in the world narrated with too many words and have just wasted another minute of their lives.

26.01.2022 (00:06) You may think that excavating a lode of gold is the worst job ever

The day Tolstoy decided he cared fuck all for his latest heroine and decided to try drugs.

More than a load of shite.

Poliisiasema vaatii nyt korjauksia muunkin kuin huonon sisäilman vuoksi.

A friend told me she's very inspired by the music of a certain artist. I concur: I feel inspired to throw an old boot and smelly shoes at the source of the god-awful racket.

23.01.2022 (20:40) And what a waste

Some people get straight to the point but this one is clearly thirsty.

This actually sounds worse than someone who's just vicious and dumb.

Aaaaaand he shat his bed.

Niksi-Pirkka esittää: banaani, luonnon oma biojätepussi.

An acquaintance has a celebrity crush. A loud and exasperating one, I might add. It sounds strange because it's not something I can relate to: I do love people quite easily, but there's a difference between loving a friend and loving someone passionately and durably. I can see an attraction in many things: in the eyes, in a smile, in the way you speak, in intelligence, but love? How can you love without actually knowing someone, not just the narrative they present to the world, but really knowing the person? I don't think I could ever find love anywhere except in those moments of profound silence when you're both just yourselves; no pretences, no façades, no walls, and there's the feeling of utter contentment and acceptance.

(Good god, that was trite!)

I've said this before and I'll say it again: Lord Chesterfield has said "You must look into people as well as at them." Quicky, somebody get me a big knife!

20.01.2022 (18:50) To mar or to marry, that is the question

And that's when the bastard stole my supper. (A short poll amongst my fellow Finns showed that few people actually know the saying 'to be too stubborn for your own good', which is odd: Finns are, in general, way too stubborn for anyone's good)

The characters intended to marry, but apparently something went very, very wrong. But then again I've heard some marriages are like that.

Valittaminen on politiikan peruskiviä.

Did manage to buy a Finnish translation of Snorri Sturluson's 'Kringla Heimsins'. It's huge: Mikko, who picked up the parcel, presumed it held at least three or four hardback books. I get book parcels almost every day now, and the drawers of my desk are overflowing with books and booklets waiting for the day I'll give them to my dear husband.

A friend asked me if I really wished that everyone would simply die. No, I do not; however, I do wish everyone gagged for life. That, or the whole population of Northern Europe to be shipped somewhere far, far away from me. Australia might be far enough, and America might suffice. (You can leave my husband though.)

19.01.2022 (20:27) Ants do it better anyway

This way of opening presents is challenging teamwork. Many will perish during the labour. You may only use your teeth and jaws. Growing a pair of extra limbs is mandatory.

Rolling your eyes in amusement is predictable, but if you want to surprise someone, roll the whole woman. That'll show them.

Oh bugger, and I was hoping he'd come of his own volition.

Mikko received a subscription renewal to an audio book archive. I don't like that way of reading and I prefer a nice solid book in my hands, but he gets to 'read' some books we don't yet own, and likes to quote facts (and to gloat about all those new books he's been able to read, the smug bastard). On Saturday he told me about a book concerning the Bernadotte-family and quoted that while king Charles XIV John of Sweden never really learned Swedish, his son Oscar I, according to Mikko, "--toimi isälleen tulkkina, joka ei koskaan oppinut kunnolla ruotsia". In English that'd be approximately 'worked for his father as an interpreter who never properly learned Swedish'. It was my turn to gloat, and I did so shamelessly.

16.01.2022 (20:02) Misanthropy helpline, Bastard-on-call speaking, how may I help you?

The secret service has odd ways of serving.

Laws of causality, rule #1785: where clothes and fabrics are concerned, the opposite of causation is formality.

A new edible pine tree takes the world by storm (No, pine bark bread doesn't count).

Don't waste your time studying, there's a better way to score extra points.

People keep asking me to express my highly cynical, sarcastic and misanthropic opinion about various things, apparently just for laughs. I might actually consider a service of “bastard on call” (in Finnish it'd be “Päivystävä Paskiainen”), but you couldn’t afford my fees anyway, you skinflint little gobshite.

By the way, a friend emailed an article about how the surgical masks make people look more attractive to the opposite sex. I can only draw the following conclusions:
1) Gay people are smarter,
2) Straight people might have a mouth gag fetish,
3) A lot of new relationships will fail once the masks come off and the person behind the mask is a wrinkly-lipped little shite with a weak jaw, a big mouth and fourteen big pimples.

Oh well, perhaps the next big fashion statement shall be a big bucket upon your head.

I've been a bit out of reach, there's a bit of a family crisis going on. Nothing I'd want to talk about online, but it leaves me stressed, though I've quickly gone from 'exhausted' to 'irascible' and will undoubtedly soon reach the level called 'explosive'.

Apuapapua. Suomalaiset, hjelp: onko kenelläkään hyllyssään jotain versiota Snorri Sturlusonin Norjan kuningassaagat-teoksesta v. 1960 (Kust. Otava, muistaakseni?), joko yksittäispainoksena tai kolmen kirjan sarjana, tai tunnette jonkun jolla on ja jonka voi painostaa/kiristää/uhkailla tarkistamaan teoksensa? Jos on, voitko tarkistaa miten paljon yksittäiskansiin painettu teos eroaa kolmen kirjan painoksesta? Riittää tiedot käytetystä fonttikoosta ja sivumäärästäkin, jollei käsillä ole kumpaakin vertailtavaksi.

(Suunnittelen Mikolle Valentinen päivän lahjaa. Kyllä, Heimskringla on romantiikan multihuipentuma. Reissulla suurempaan keskuskirjastoon saattaisi ratketa, mutta 1) on melkein mahdoton mennä mihinkään ilman että Mikko on mukana, ja 2) sosiaalifoobikolle jopa paikallinen kyläkirjasto ihmisineen ja yltiösosiaalisine henkilökuntineen on suunnilleen kuin Mount Everestin, Mariaanien haudan ja Kalaharin aavikon risteytymä: paikka johon et todellakaan halua mennä.

11.01.2022 (19:49) Expect some very sombre and humorless expressions

My lips twitched today, close enough to a smile. My weekly quota is now full.

These French messieurs (monsieur) are now very messy.

Papyruksen keskenkasvuinen vastine.

I ran across a text where an idiot was describing Stockholm syndrome and referring to it as "Helsinki syndrome". They're just confused, because the Helsinki syndrome has nothing to do with captives and hostages. It's a condition where you go for a little drink and wake up in the Cholera basin with no memory and feeling very sorry for yourself. Your face resembles one of the lantern bearers of the railway station, your body feels like you were run over by Mannerheim's equestrian statue and your ears ring like the bells of the Uspenski Cathedral.

09.01.2022 (18:34) Oh wait, did they mean 'spirits of brotherhood' and just wanted to get plastered?

And as if the original death wasn't grisly enough, some bastard brought in a big and angry bear.

They lost their hair quite boldly.

Never a boring day at a fertility clinic.

So no pandemonium ensued, but don't worry, the insurance company will compensate us for the lack of chaos and destruction.

One of the things we rarely agree on is chocolate. We both agree that a lot of it needs to be readily available and we do have some shared favourites (a box of Guylian's Seashells is always split exactly in half and eaten one by one at the same time), but he prefers dark chocolate while I like white and milk chocolate and absolutely detest dark chocolate. I habitually call him a bloody heathen and infidel for that, as well as for his habit of drinking coffee in addition to tea. But this weekend we did find something in common: Royal Mint & Toffee Croquant. It's milk chocolate but so delicious.

I ran across a familiar quotation on human rights: "--should act toward another in the spirit of brotherhood.” Yes, I did have a brother and I do remember those times when we lived in a spirit of brotherhood. It consisted mainly of wishing he'd be adopted to Africa. And yes, we get along better now, but I think mainly because he doesn't live close by. Funny how the ~50 kilometers is sufficient now, when to a child thousands sounded barely enough.

07.01.2022 (18:53) Steel wire hair and cast-iron nostrils

Considering that wounds have to heal before they scar, that is one hell of a prolonged and painful death. I don't think any fictional mass murderer has achieved that.

Might I suggest that if there's a belt around someone's waste, you might want to leave that, you know, unopened...?

Herrala on kylä Hollolassa. Koska nukke on laajemmassa mainittavassa mittakaavassa Herralan päällä, täytyy kyseessä olla aika hiton iso ja epäkäytännöllisesti paikoitettu nukke.

I might as well confess I'm guilty of hoarding chestnuts. I love those evenings when we get to roast them and then enjoy them with tea. Currently we've over 2 kilos of chestnuts stashed, and we've eaten many times that since late November. We're also sampling new teas. We found a wonderful black mint chocolate tea from Porvoo, but also a new green mint tea. When I made the first pot, I forgot I wasn't making black tea and so the water I used was too hot: the resulting tea was so strong I'm certain it singed the hair in my nostrils and I suspect the hair on my head didn't fall out just out of sheer dumb luck. Mikko was fine with it though. I suspect the hair in his nostrils is made of steel wire.

04.01.2022 (01:09) The fastest way to become a nobody

You look up and try new sex positions from a book with the wrong person and then your tits fall off. Or your cock, in some cases. Both, if you're really out of luck.

This notification doesn't come in advance, but it's so sophisticated and advanced you really don't mind.

Pesimäaikaan linnut siirtyvät myös perintönä. Tänä vuonna on linnut rajattu testamentissa pois.

My friend T likes reading romance. I like reading porn*. Nobody likes romantic porn(2). We compared notes – something we frequently do – and came to two conclusions:
1. "Dance as old as time" as an allusion to coitus. But nothing is as old as that phrase. I'll bet the first pair of ancient fish to have sex on these planet took a long bout of celibacy when one of them used outdated phrase. (3)
2. A couple snogs and then they need to stop because they run out of air. Apparently a large percentage of humanity consists of perpetually congested mouthbreathers (in every meaning of the word).

*Although I'll abandon anything for a good SciFi or a history book. Currently going through Asimov again.
2) If you do, you've just been declared a nobody. You're welcome.
3) Uh, correction here: the only thing older than that phrase is the weekly lie your spouse tells you about why he/she stumbled home at 3am on Saturday, more plastered than the frickin' walls of your shack. The amoebas invented that one.

03.01.2022 (01:30) How to convince about 100 people to willingly relocate

A bit like hors 'd'oeuvres, but you're only allowed to eat them while hanging from the eaves.

A lot louder than just a beating pulse. (I doubt they meant the cheese called Pule, because a steadily beating cheese would sound, quite frankly, terrifying. Even if you don't read Pratchett)

When someone kicks you while wearing stiletto heels and you need a doctor to heal the wounds. That, or the surgeon prefers to operate while wearing challenging footwear.

When suitors get too boring and you need new outfits anyway.

Induktioliesi saattaa olla liian kallis ja melko hyödytön narkkaritaloudessa.

We were just talking about 'personal space', about how it differs from culture to culture, and about how Finns are known for needing a very large personal space. A quick search with Google yielded a result of "--eighteen inches to four feet--" worldwide – that's from 45,7 centimetres to 1,2 metres, though it might be as little as 7.8 inches (20 centimetres). Mine's a bit wider: currently I estimate that my personal space is about 1,5 kilometres*.

*Mikko is the exception in my world: I'm constantly clingy and affectionate with him even during daylight hours(2). It seems like I need less personal space during the night, and can get downright affectionate during the time when most people are asleep.
2) Daylight lasts 5 hours and 52 minutes today.